What is this I don't even

Why does that woman have a thing stuck into her butt?

Section headingEdit

Slaanesh Knows (but doesn't care)

(Text in parentesis courtesy of your Imperial Bereau of Data Analysis)

The Diary of Frederich Eichert

Consort to the Warmistress Bodacea Pendrake

00:01:04 PM GST (Galactic Standard Time)

I suppose things could be better, and they could easily be worse ... and probably will be soon enough. I have the good fortune -- and dire misfortune - of being the toy of a Warmistress. So I live in the lap of luxury, but that lap is hurtling headlong into hell.

Like I said, it could be worse ... she could have been homely, or downright ugly, or a sadist, or boring ... but no, her chosen form is quite beautiful, and Gods, is she exciting! Such a swashbucker she is with her flaming orange and blonde tresses cascading about her shoulders like the mane of a terra lion. One might think her some sort of exotic clown in her skin tight thigh top boots with stiletto heels, hot red shorts laced up front and sides, topped with a golden armored brassiere. Dare not laugh for she is a terror with a chainsword, even in those heels! Yet underneath all that is a passionate and sensitive woman who so far seems to need what I was sold to provide her.

Most men abhor slavery, but my experience has not been so bad. I have never wanted for anything and I've been trained in all the social graces, with beautiful slave girls to practice with. As long as you never let yourself grow too fond of any particular one - but that's another story. Childhood for me was just one party after another, until I became a man. Then my owner received a call from people representing Warmistress Bodacea Pendrake, a deal was quickly sealed, and I was off for the stars.

I'll never forget seeing her great starship - "The Siren Of Slaanesh" - from the shuttle view dome... bristling with every kind of naval weapon imaginable, yet festively painted in rainbow shades. You might think you were boarding a party boat until closer inspection revealed the macabre ornamentation of Chaotic construction. Everywhere gargoyles and horror masks with eyes that follow you as you pass and claws that snatch out from the pulsating walls... all holographic trickery, of course, but all the same I wouldn't lean on anything.

I was left in a circular chamber surrounding a canopied circular bed at the head of which hung a magnificent battle scene depicting the Sirens of Slaanesh fighting Space Marines of the Imperium. At first glance it appeared this was a painting, but upon prolonged observation I saw that everything was in motion! Bolters blazing, explosions rending, smoke billowing, giant war machines trampeling and shattering, countless warriors rising up from the dust only to be smashed down into it in bloody heaps, with reinforcements streaming to replace them in endless supply so that the battle would, for all I could tell, never end.

Then she breezed in, tall and proud, as glamorous as anything I'd ever seen. "Isn't that something", she said, gesturing at the image with the black glove she had just peeled off her sword hand. "I've stared at that painting for hours and never once have I seen any sequence repeat. Nor do I particularly care to. Bloody waste of time. Please, help me out of my uniform...."

As best I could tell I performed my prime duty quite to her satisfaction. Soon after she looked into my eyes and said 'that was fine. Now let's see how you are at conversation... especially listening!" Pausing to let that sink in, she continued. "You are to be my prime confidant, Frederic Eichert, and you will merit that confidence or die."

This was no idle threat. She could terminate me in any number of ways, at whim. But Slaanesh knows my loyalty, and so did she. The words none the less had to be spoken to evoke the bond. I replied, on cue, "My life is yours, Warmistress". And with that I was hers, body and soul. That being done, she rolled on her back and began her saga.

"He knows", said the warmistress, "but he does not care. As long as we carry out our assignment it matters not what I or anyone else think about it. So there can be no harm in a bit of conjecture."

"My best guess is that we are to create a diversion to call the attention of the Imperium away from some mission of greater importance. I base this on the knowledge that the fleet defending our objective is reportedly equal to greater than our own... knowledge dearly bought, for it brings great risk to our local agent in getting this information to us. Part of our assignment ... and the part that probably makes it suicidal ... is that we have to extract her, or proof of her elimination."

"In any case I am sure this mission is a test of our fidelity and our training. Our Lord has no shortage of fodder for his cannons. On the other hand he has no end of rewards for his victors. And either side of the veil we shall taste his sweet ambrosia. His enemies will hear our Siren Song and many will be swayed to join us!"

"I have nothing but seething hatred for the false Imperium of Man and its foul inquisition. My sisters and I were stolen from our mother's breasts and loaded onto an earth bound transport where we were to be drained to withered husks to feed the unending hunger of their undead Emperor and his Astropathic beacon, the foundation of his empire. Such is the fate of the psychically gifted under Man... excepting the rare cases when one, usually male, is selected to join the Navigator cult, eyes ripped from their sockets to enhance their Astropathic focus ... and enforce their reliance on Imperial protection."

"Fortunately for my sisters and I pirates in the service of our Lord Slaanesh captured the transport and delivered us into a life of exquisite pleasure flavored with martial training, our psychic gifts encouraged and enhanced instead of stolen from us as they would have been under the Imperium. Instead of being sucked dry and dumped in an ash heap we have known every kind of pleasure imaginable, and each given a magnificent ship in which we can now wreak havoc upon those who would have destroyed us, those who spread ridiculous lies about or Lord and his dominions!"